Want to get pregnant after 35 or 40: stop blaming and start forgiving

Abortions, not marrying the right one or marrying too late, not paying attention to biological clock, too career-oriented are just a few of the thousands of reasons that women torment themselves for not being able to get pregnant over 35 and 40.


Having married for the first time at age 40, I know about the pregnancy blame mindset. The minute after the ceremony, I set my pregnancy clock. When I wasn’t pregnant, nine months after saying “I do,” I became frustrated and I privately played the blame game. Why was everybody getting pregnant except me? Other college-educated and professional women had married sooner and began a family. Why had I waited so late to begin a family?

I blamed my husband because I wondered if he had a low sperm count. I blamed my father because I wondered if he had encouraged me to set my standards too high for dating and marriage when I was younger. I blamed my church because I wondered if it had not been for their teaching against marrying those who were not members, I would have married the “right one” and had children in my 20s. I also blamed the “wrong ones” because they weren’t the “right ones” and I had to break off marriage proposals!

Then, after running out of scapegoats to blame, I turned the attention to myself. A woman who is trying to conceive or is experiencing infertility after 35 or 40 know that thinking of reasons to blame herself is easy. I certainly made a list of my reasons. I must add that I strongly believe in self-examination. I believe that good mental, spiritual and physical health is essential to conception.

Countless studies show how we think about an illness/disease can worsen or lessen its effect in our bodies. I believe the same is true when we are trying to conceive. Anger, stress and lack of forgiveness are major emotional barriers to conceiving.

Practice forgiving yourself and others for their mistakes by reminding yourself that you are imperfect and so is everyone else. I find that when I am anger, all of my thoughts focus on my anger or hurt. I am unable to be productive. I am steaming mad! For a couple of minutes, not being productive may be fine, but the problem occurs when my anger or hurt prevents me from being productive for hours. I’ve lost precious time that I can never get back.

I gave birth at age 42 to a healthy baby girl and at age 44 to a second healthy daughter. Learning and practicing to stop blaming and start forgiving played a key role in their births.

While I applaud and am a supporter of the advantages in the medical community, you’ll often say that I gave birth by “divine intervention” rather than “medical invention.”

I encourage all my sisters who want to become pregnant after 35 or 40 to consider one of my favorite bible verses, which states:

"No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead."
( New Living Translation(@2007-Phillippians 3: 13)

37 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for your post. I intend to re-read it at least once a month. It was a much needed balm for my racing mind - which has borrowed every 'blame' in your list, and added a few more for good measure. Out with you, blame, guilt and anger!!

    With much appreciation, a 41-soon-to-be 42-year-old trying to be a first time mom. You've given me so much hope and happiness in these few paragraphs.

    Tracy

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  2. Tracy, I appreciate your comments, too. I'm cheering you on as you take steps to rid yourself of the blame, guilt and anger!

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  3. 35 or 42 is not a fact if you wanna mom again. You said the correct word that" Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead " . Yes, this is it.

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  4. (I mentioned if you wanna be a mom not wanna new mom)

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  5. I so agree with you Cynthia, especially when you say 'Anger, stress and lack of forgiveness are major emotional barriers to conceiving.' I'm sure this was partly my problem. We were ttc 3 years before having two healthy babies - a son at 36 and a daughter at 38. I love Psalm 19:12-14: 'The righteous will flourish like a palm tree,
    they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age.' Great encouragement on your site. I look forward to reading more.

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  6. First, I have to say to username "how do you get pregnant," I laughed at your "if you wanna be a mom not wanna new mom." I have to pass this on. Humor helps take the stress off of ttc. Thanks!

    And Anna, your heart-felt testimony is such an encouragement. Thanks so much for sharing and I love that scripture and your website, too.

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  7. I am now in that dilemma,. i married last year at the age of 40, its been 4 months and i am not yet pregnant... but im positive that i can still bear a child... gift of God.

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  8. Continue to be positive and hold on to your faith! Remember that lots of women in their 40s give birth every day.

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  9. Wow! Thank you Cynthia for this post. This is such an inspiration to me. I'm 39, a single, Christian woman with no children--YET. The hardest thing for me was turning 39 and realizing that I don't have children yet. I also went through the "blame game." I am still trying to heal and forgive through Christ who strengthen's me. Your story is very encouraging to me and gives me a lot of hope to know that if it's God's will, I can also be married with children in my 40's! God bless you and your beautiful family!

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  10. Helena, thanks for taking time to let me know that my testimony has helped you. Continue to keep your focus on the God who can do all things!

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  11. hi, i am adeena, age 37, n still not pregnant even after trying for since last 12 years, after having 4 IUI, and 2 IVF, where the second IVF resulted in a miscarriage. the case is that of unexplained infertility. this keeps me depressed soooo much, and make me feel different from other people around me,,, n i am tired of going to doctors and having treatments... have absolutely no way....

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  12. and i simply do not want to die childless....

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  13. Adeena, thank you for sharing. Your body may need a rest from the doctors and from the treatments. I encourage you to visit http://www.inseasonmom.org/FeaturedMom.html
    and read the story of Kristin Beltaos, November-December 2011 Featured Mom who struggled with infertility. She said, “If you are having this difficulty, then frame it for yourself this way, people beat the odds everyday, people beat cancer, people have their MS go into remission and people who struggle with infertility have babies.” I think you will be encouraged by her stories as well as reading Sharon’s story. She struggled to become a mom, dealing with the uncertain world of infertility including three in vitro fertilizations, tubal pregnancy, and the loss of a pregnancy with twin boys at 19 weeks. Her story has a great ending, too. http://inseasonmomreflections.blogspot.com/2011/08/mom-at-last.html

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  14. Wow congratulation Great Post KEEP IT UP
    With regards
    Sammy
    Home Check Ovulation Kit
    You can find me by searching on Google HOME CHECK or check my profile

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  15. Thanks Sammy for commenting. I encourage you to read my other informative posts.

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  16. Great to hear your doing good. You are such a strong woman.

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  17. Thank you! Your office looks very inviting.

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  18. HI there,

    I loved your post. I also got married at 40. I got pregant last year at 41 through IUI and then miscarried at 9 weeks. I just turned 42 and getting ready to go through IUI again. I feel as though infertility has taken over my life. I yearn for a baby...... I guess the good thing is that I could get pregnant, it's just a matter of when - it's all in Gods timing. I can't help but feel hopeless. I have two other ladies in my family that are pregnant. One has 2 girls and is 37 the other has 3 girls and is 38. It's been difficult being around them..... I need prayer.

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  19. Thank you for acting on courage to share your thoughts with me. I am so sorry for your miscarriage. I have and will continue to remember you in my prayers. I wish I could give you a hug and keep encouraging you on what you already know: God is greater than circumstances. I want to share a link a friend referred to me: http://dancinguponbarrenland.com/

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  20. Thank you for sharing. I, too, have played every blame game you mentioned. This site is so inspiring and you and your family are beautiful!

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  21. I'm glad that you appreciate the site and thanks for posting your comments! Blessings!

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  22. Thank you so much for your inspiration! My husband and I are just now ready to start trying to conceive and while I married late at 38, now nearly 40, it was worth the wait as there is no one else I have ever wanted to have a child with or would rather have a child with. I have been fearful that maybe we waited too long...waiting for things to be perfect. alas they never will be. I know that now. and I wonder about a healthy baby or if conceiving is even possible. I was meant to run across your blog today. I have new hope. Thank you! Much love and light!

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    Replies
    1. Isn't it wonderful that you can say "it was worth the wait" rather than "I should have waited longer!" I agree that you were MEANT to see the blog/post on today. Blessings to you, too!

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  23. Cynthia,
    Thank you so much for being here! I am 38, and my husband and I are looking at our options for conceiving if at all possible. I, too, have heard every negative myth coming down the pipe. I've blamed myself, my lack of good timing, thought "Why couldn't I have met my husband earlier... and on and on. I have hope now thanks to you.

    Nessie

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    1. Nessie, thanks for taking time to comment. The pregnancy blame mindset is so common and maybe, that's part of the reason it's not productive. You're going to find more hope when you read the stories from our Featured InSeasonMom of the Month!

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  24. What a great site! I also got married at 40 and had my first child (conceived naturally) at 42. As you say, I was busy with career, education, staying in relationships too long with "wrong" guys. I did have one heartbreaking miscarriage before my son was conceived. But I am so glad we tried again - he is the wonder of my life. Sometimes I do feel a little different around the much younger Moms but they have been much more accepting than I expected - even with all our differences, we found we were all new to childrearing and went through the same doubts, fears, etc. My advice: embrace and respect the younger Moms and their cameraderie; you will be amazed what you will learn from their different perspective! On the other hand, I also found an "older Mom" friend with whom I can share some of the unique experiences of "older Mom-dom"!

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    1. Great advice about embracing and respecting younger moms!I've learned a lot from my younger friends who are moms. You have what many older moms wish they had...an older mom friend. I'll bet she treasures you as much as you treasure her!

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  25. One more thing - though I conceived "naturally" I did use and highly recommend using the kit (available at drugstores) that let's you know when you are most fertile. I am sure that helped us conceive!

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  26. Thank you for this sharing your experience and thoughts, I've had tears in my eye reading. I am 35, and my husband and I are finally at a place and time when we want to start a family. We know it takes time, but it's so hard to be patient when I'm "at that age". I just stumbled upon your web site, but I will be back often I know. Thank you again.

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  27. You're welcome and thank you so much for letting me know that this post encouraged you! Continue to be uplifted by remembering that many, many women after 35 give birth. For more encouragement, check out my post "Have We Believed A Lie About Fertility After 35?" http://inseasonmomreflections.blogspot.com/2013/02/have-we-believed-lie-about-fertility.html
    Blessings to you!

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  28. My sister married at 22, but spent 18 years developing her career. Once she decided to have her first child (at 40), she became pregnant in the first month they tried.
    Having a second child was less easy.
    She had no problem conceiving-and had 5 miscarriages over 3 years.
    However, her second child (a girl, the first was a boy) was born 9 days before her 44th birthday.
    Both children are healthy, normal, bright, and happy!
    I am 34. Lately, I've been worried about my own fertility. I'd like to have a child in the next 1-2 years. My husband, who is almost 43, has 2 adult children, and is hoping to raise 1-2 more. I hope our dreams will come true!

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  29. Thanks for sharing about your sister and your desire to have a child. You're a young 34 and have seen a great example with your sister. Try replacing your worries with eating healthy and developing healthy habits. I'll bet you won't be sorry! Blessings to you and your husband on your "future" baby!!!!

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  30. I am so pleased I found this site! I am 41 and my husband and I would love a child but all we had is miscarriages. There is so much negativity out there regarding fertility and pregnancy for the 40 plus ladies. My own doctor has little positivity to add either! So very refreshing to find this site and to see all your lovely stories.

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  31. Sarah, thank you for taking the time to share your comments. This means a lot to me. Here's my personal invite to join InSeason Mom on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/inseasonmom/ or Twitter https://twitter.com/InSeasonMom. Blessings, Cynthia

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